“Some people have a way with words, and other people...oh, uh, not have way.”

“How many people have never raised their hand before?”

“The public has a short memory. That's why all these big stars do these crazy, terrible things and two years later they're back in the biz, you know. 'Cause the public has a short memory. Let me give you a little test, okay? This is my thesis -- the public has a short memory and, like-- How many people remember, a couple of years ago, when the Earth blew up? How many people? See? So few people remember. And you would think that something like that, people would remember. But NOOO! You don't remember that? The Earth blew up and was completely destroyed? And we escaped to this planet on the giant Space Ark? Where have you people been? And the government decided not to tell the stupider people 'cause they thought that it might affect-- [dawning realization, looks around] Ohhhh! Okay! Uh, let's move on!”

“Before you criticize a man, walk a mile in his shoes. That way, when you do criticize him, you'll be a mile away and have his shoes.”

“Boy, those French! They have a different word for everything.”

“I opened the show with this line: "I have decided to give the greatest performance of my life! Oh, wait, sorry, that's tomorrow night.”

“But Carroll's were more convoluted, and they struck me as funny in a new way:1) Babies are illogical.2) Nobody is despised who can manage a crocodile.3) Illogical persons are despised.Therefore, babies cannot manage crocodiles.And:1) No interesting poems are unpopular among people of real taste.2) No modern poetry is free from affectation.3) All of your poems are on the subject of soap bubbles.4) No affected poetry is popular among people of taste.5) Only a modern poem would be on the subject of soap bubbles.Therefore, all your poems are uninteresting.”