“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed-reading accident. I hit a bookmark. ”

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”

“I finally got around to reading the dictionary. Turns out the Zebra did it.”

“You can’t have everything. Where would you put it?”

“Ambition is a poor excuse for not being smart enough to be lazy.”

“I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.”

“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'”