“In God's eyes all children are beautiful but here on earth we have higher standards.”

“Folks, I don't trust children. They're here to replace us.”

“Never throw caution to the wind. It could whip back into your eyes and blind you.”

“God works in mysterious ways but at least he works, he's never on welfare in a mysterious way.”

“In America, we know to ignore artists if they're serious in any way.”

“There's nothing wrong with stretching the truth. We stretch taffy, and that just makes it more delicious.”

“New study reveals men like to cuddle. Another study reveals men will say anything to get into bed with a woman.”