“Salvation is not a reward for the righteous, it is a gift for the guilty.”

“As you preach, stay in the text, give honor to Christ and He will use you”

“Then I yelled through his door, "It's an anniversary gift for you, asshole. Two whole weeks early. FIFTEEN YEARS IS BIG METAL CHICKENS.”

“You should just accept who you are, flaws and all, because if you try to be someone you aren't, then eventually some turkey is going to shit all over your well-crafted facade, so you might as well save yourself the effort and enjoy your zombie books.”

“A house should look lived in, and I consider it clean as long as I don't stick to it and it doesn't give me cholera.”

“You are defined not by life's imperfect moments, but by your reaction to them.”

“It's like I have a sensor in my head, but she works on a seven-second delay... well-meaning, but perpetually about seven seconds too late to actually do anything to stop the horrific avalanche of shit-you-shouldn't- say-out-loud-but-I-just-did.”