“Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was a suspect.”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“Do radioactive cats have eighteen half-lives?”

“Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

“I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.”