“Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world 'Up Over'?”

“I have a hobby. I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it.”

“So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...”

“99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“Why are they called buildings when they’re already finished? Shouldn’t they be called builts?”

“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'”