“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

“I’m a psychic amnesiac. I know in advance what I’ll forget.”

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.”

“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.”

“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”