“I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”

“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”

“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”

“I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?”