“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

“I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once.”

“i busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'”

“So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...”

“I Xeroxed a mirror. Now I have an extra Xerox machine.”

“I bought a house on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.”