“I tried to hang myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“Once I tried to kill myself with a bungee cord. I kept almost dying.”

“I was trying to daydream but my mind kept wandering.”

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

“I heard that in relativity theory, space and time are the same thing. Einstein discovered this when he kept showing up three miles late for his meetings.”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”