“I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.”

“Last week the candle factory burned down. Everyone just stood around and sang, 'Happy Birthday.”

“Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.”

“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.”

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”

“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.”

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”