“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.”

“I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”