“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”

“Sorry... my mind was wandering... one time it went all the way to Venus and ordered a meal I couldn’t pay for.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“I went to San Francisco. I found someone’s heart.”

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”