“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”

“It was the first time I was ever in love, and I learned a lot. Before that I'd never even thought about killing myself.”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.”

“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.”

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”