“I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”

“I went into a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.”

“I can picture in my mind a world without war, a world without hate. And I can picture us attacking that world, because they’d never expect it.”

“I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.”

“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.”

“i busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”