“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”

“If Dracula can't see his reflection in a mirror, how come his hair is always so neatly combed?”

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.”

“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.”

“How did a fool and his money get together in the first place?”