“If you tell a joke in the forest, but nobody laughs, was it a joke?”

“You know how it is when you go to be the subject of a psychology experiment and nobody else shows up and you think maybe that's part of the experiment? I'm like that all the time.”

“How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?”

“Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.”

“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.”

“If you are killing time, are you damaging eternity?”