“It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is, it’s always room temperature.”

“It is like putting a dehumidifier and a humidifier in the same room and letting them fight it out.”

“I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark and flew across the room.”

“Why doesn’t the fattest man in the world become a hockey goalie?”

“If toast always lands butter-side down, and cats always land on their feet, what happens if you strap toast on the back of a cat and drop it?”

“If it’s zero degrees outside today and it’s supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?”

“If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”