“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".”

“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.”

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”