“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

“There is a fine line between fishing and just standing on the shore like an idiot.”

“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.”

“i busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.”