“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

“I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.”

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

“If it's a penny for your thoughts and you put in your two cents worth, then someone, somewhere is making a penny.”