“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

“My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.”

“I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.”

“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”

“Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?”

“i busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

“So I got off the plane and I forget to take off my seat-belt and I’m dragging the plane through the terminal... The wings are knocking people over...”