“My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.”

“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

“When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”

“i busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.”