“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”

“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”

“I have an existential map. It has 'You are here' written all over it.”

“My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.”

“I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.”

“I went down to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, 'Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours. He said, 'Yes, but not in a row.”