“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“I have a map of the United States... Actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent last summer folding it. I hardly ever unroll it. People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?”

“I installed a skylight in my apartment...The people who live above me arefurious!”