“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.”

“I’m so tired... I was up all night trying to round off infinity.”

“I stayed up all night playing poker with tarot cards. I got a full house and four people died.”

“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”