“They say the universe is expanding. That should help ease the traffic.”

“If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?”

“How can there be self-help groups?”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“If a mute kid swears, should his mother wash his hands with soap?”

“You know, the New Testament is pretty old. I think they should call them the Old Testament and the Most Recent Testament.”

“The doctor says he has to amputate all of me.”