“What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”

“Imagine how weird phones would look if your mouth was nowhere near your ears.”

“Two babies were born on the same day at the same hospital. They lay there and looked at each other. Their families came and took them away. Eighty years later, by a bizarre coincidence, they lay in the same hospital, on their deathbeds, next to each other. One of them looked at the other and said, 'So, what did you think?”

“You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...”

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”