“When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”

“If warm air rises, Heaven could be hotter than Hell.”

“When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?”

“My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”

“If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?”

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”