“When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.”

“You know how it is when you're reading a book and falling asleep, you're reading, reading... and all of a sudden you notice your eyes are closed? I'm like that all the time.”

“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7 of your life.”

“What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way?”

“You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?”