“When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go?”

“When an evil masochist dies, does he go to hell, or would heaven be a better punishment?”

“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.”

“My nephew has HDADHD. High Definition Attention Deficit Disorder. He can barely pay attention, but when he does it's unbelievably clear.”

“Officer, I know I was going faster than 55MPH, but I wasn't going to be on theroad an hour.”

“The other night I was lying in bed, looking up at the stars, and I wondered, 'Where the hell is my roof?”

“I was in the supermarket the other day, and I met a lady in the aisle where they keep the generic brands. Her name was 'woman.”