“When I get real bored, I like to drive downtown and get a great parking spot, then sit in my car and count how many people ask if I'm leaving.”

“I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”

“I worked in a health food store once. A guy asked me, 'If I melt dry ice, can I take a bath without getting wet?”

“I spilled spot remover on my dog; now he's gone.”

“You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.”

“i busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.”

“When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year.I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.”