“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.”

“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.”

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

“Last year I went fishing with Salvador Dali. He was using a dotted line. He caught every other fish.”

“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“My friend has a baby. I’m recording all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.”