“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“I hate it when my leg falls asleep. I know that means it's going to be up all night.”

“I got food poisoning today. I don't know when I'll use it.”

“I washed a sock. Then I put it in the dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.”

“I woke up one morning, and all of my stuff had been stolen and replaced by exact duplicates".”

“I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”