“When I was a kid we had a sandbox. It was a quicksand box. I was an only child...eventually.”

“When I have a kid, I want to buy one of those strollers for twins. Then put the kid in and run around, looking frantic. When he gets older, I'd tell him he used to have a brother, but he didn't obey.”

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?”

“I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.”

“Smoking cures weight problems, eventually.”

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”