“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?”

“I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you’re not using?”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one – it wasn’t doing what I was doing.”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”