“When I was in school the teachers told me practice makes perfect; then they told me nobody’s perfect so I stopped practicing.”

“I bought my brother some gift-wrap for Christmas. I took it to the gift wrap department and told them to wrap it, but in a different print so he would know when to stop unwrapping.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?”

“I wish, when I was first born, the first thing I said was "Quote" so the last thing I said before I died would be "Unquote.”

“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“I went to a general store, but they wouldn’t let me buy anything specific.”