“Yesterday, my eyeglass prescription ran out.”

“In my house there's this light switch that doesn't do anything. Every so often I would flick it on and off just to check. Yesterday, I got a call from a woman in Madagascar. She said, 'Cut it out.'”

“There was a power outage at a department store yesterday. Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.”

“I once locked my keys out of my car. I had to break out of my car with a coat hanger.”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“When I was a fetus, I used to sneak out at night when my mother was sleeping. I figured I should start stealing stuff while I still had no fingerprints.”

“Why don't they make the whole plane out of that black box stuff?”