“When I write my book I'm going to tell people that if they happen to forget their wide-mouth jar, they should pee far enough away from their position so it doesn't ruin their hiding spot.”

“Much as I usually dislike nice, positive people, I have to admit that Margaret isn’t bad.”

“Maybe careers aren’t something you can really plan for. They just sort of happen, like brown eyes or flat feet. I took one of those career aptitude tests last year, and it showed that I should be a flight attendant or a seamstress. Not a fashion designer or anything, mind you, but a sweatshop worker. Apparently stewardesses and sweatshop workers and I enjoy a lot of the same interests and activities.”

“I haven’t been that happy since I became conscious for the first time, you know, when I became aware of myself and got so uncomfortable and everything.”

“I am not a people person.”

“Not being a big one for having friends, I had no idea what I was going to do with Aubrey, you know, to entertain him.”

“I think MacGregor might be a genius. Anyone so oblivious to the horror of the human world must be.”