“I love you, Gideon.”“God.” He looked at me with something that resembled disgust. Whether it was directed at me or himself, I didn’t know. “How can you say that?”“Because it’s the truth.”“You just see this”—he gestured at himself with a wave of his hand. “You’re not seeing the fucked-up, broken mess inside.”I inhaled sharply. “You can say that to me? When you know I’m fucked up and broken, too?”

“Pidge, how many times do I have to say it?” he frowned.I shook my head at his impatient tone. “I don’t understand it, though. You didn’t need me there before.”His fingers lightly grazed my cheek. “I didn’t know you before. When you’re not there, I can’t concentrate. I’m wondering where you are, what you’re doing…if you’re there and I can see you, I can focus. I know it’s crazy, but that’s how it is.”“And crazy is exactly the way I like it,” I smiled, leaning up to kiss his lips.”

“He dropped his forehead to hers. “I know I’m a little fucked up. Don’t give up on me baby. I’m not saying that things will suddenly be perfect. I’m a guy, and guys can be stupid. I admit I need the room to mess up a little. I can’t promise I won’t piss you off again, but I can promise you that I’ll never deliberately hurt you. Nothing is more important to me than you. Nothing.”

“He looked at her in bittersweet despair. “Sometimes, Kate, when I’m inside you and your arms are around me, I’m human again. There’s a beginning and an end to my life again. And all because of your love. It’s been a gift to me, one I’ve never deserved. But I cherished it.”And maybe he’d destroyed it with the ungodly truth. He didn’t know. He drewa shaky breath, battered by a fresh wave of regret, and his voice trembled. “I thought I had broken your heart a while ago. I didn’t know how to make you hear me, and I knew that by telling you the truth, I’d lose you. But here you sit. You haven’t flipped out, not visibly anyway, nor accused me of being a liar. And you haven’t run in terror, now that you’re truly free to go. I don’t know what to think. Tell me, Kate…have I lost you?”

“I'm just messing with you guys. I like seeing psycho chick get all intense." He glances at me, lowers his voice. "I mean that as a compliment--because, you know"--he waves a haphazard hand in my direction--"psycho kind of works for you.”

“Tell me something,” he said in a low voice.“Anything,” I answered.“What’s it like to have every breath count?”I sat up and braced myself on my hand. “I’m not following what you mean,” I answered.Jess pulled himself up and propped his hands behind him. He looked out at the water as if he were seeing something from his past. “To live life as if it’s your last breath. To know that any minute could be the final one and that you have to make the most of what’s given to you. To know not everything is forever.”I could see the defined muscles in his arm, but what caught my attention the most was the bottom half of the symbol just under the sleeve of his shirt. Like before, I reached my finger and traced the snake resting on the stem. Sliding his sleeve higher, I followed upward toward the pedals of the black rose.“It bothers you, doesn’t it? The fact that you’re constantly reminded of...” I couldn’t finish what I wanted to say. I didn’t want to hurt him.He looked over his shoulder, and I stopped what I was doing to look up at him. “Yeah, it bothers me. But you know what bothers me even more? You’re not like me. You can take a final breath.”