“I read Shakespeare and the Bible, and I can shoot dice. That's what I call a liberal education.”

“There have only been two geniuses in the world — Willie Mays and Willie Shakespeare.”

“Nobody can be exactly like me. Sometimes even I have trouble doing it.”

“I have three phobias which, could I mute them,would make my life as slick as a sonnet,but dull as ditch water:I hate to go to bed,I hate to get up and I hate to be alone...”

“They say it's the good girls who keep diaries. The bad girls never have the time. Me, I just wanna live a life I'm gonna remember even if I don't write it down.”

“Here's a rule I recommend: Never practice two vices at once.”

“ I'd like to kiss you, Darling, but I just washed my hair. ”