“Mankind has a mandate to care for the earth and all that is within it, especially the animals, and an animal should never be placed in a position where he needs to be concerned about such things. But this is not that time.”

“Human words are very powerful—even simple ones. They can create or they can destroy, depending on what is said and how it is said. If people understood the significance of that, they would choose their words much more wisely.” Season’s Christmas Quest: The Dog’s Story.”

“Hawkins's plan to be more careful was starting to include things like "carefully brushing her off," and "carefully take her home," where he could "carefully kiss her mouth" and "carefully take her clothes off.”

“Be loyal only to those who deserve it, and those who fear evil need not fear except from fear itself.”

“Liz asked me the other day what I thought about twice baked potatoes. How the fuck should I know? Was I supposed to be thinking about twice baked potatoes all this time? Is this where I went wrong? Are grown men supposed to have an opinion about twice baked potatoes?”

“All the baby books written by women who had the most perfect birth experience in the world said you should talk to your child in the womb. That was about the only piece of advice I took from those things. Every day I told him if he ruined my vagina I would video tape his birth and show all his future girlfriends what happened to your who-ha when you had sex, ensuring that he will never, ever get laid.”

“They don't know those places in me. Only he does. Only he has seen the darkness inside of me and turns into love and light.”