“Aaarrggg, ahoy me matey, thars a great grand vagina over yonder." Penises talk like pirates when I'm drunk.”

“I gained fifty-six pounds when I was pregnant with him. Do you have any idea what it’s like to look down and not be able to see your vagina?”“Uh, no,” I muttered.“My ass had its own zip code.”

“I had been out of the game for too long. I couldn’t even get drunk and flirt anymore. I could however, get drunk and look like a stroke victim.”

“Mommy and Daddy make a lot of noise when they kiss. Mommy talks to God a lot. I talk to God sometimes too. I asked him for a puppy and a new monster truck but I was nice and didn't yell at him like Mommy does. He still hasn't gotten me the puppy though.”

“Yes, the answer is yes! If he keeps talking to me like that he can stick it in my ear.”

“Do not enter, closed for repairs, zombies will eat your face if you try to touch this vagina.”

“Oh fuck, he was right there. I was wet as hell and he could probably smell me now. I should have eaten strawberries or melon or a dozen roses or an entire mint plant. Did that work for women? I read an article that it worked for men. Their spunk tasted like what they ate. Did my vagina taste like spaghetti right now? God dammit! I shouldn't have eaten dinner!”