“Claire was going to hate me. Our son was sucked into the pits of hell while I was watching General Hospital. God damn you Brenda and Sonny for making me lose focus.”

“His voice made me want to take my pants off." Claire”

“She’s calling our house. What ten-year-old girl needs to call a boy’s house? A slutty ten-year-old girl, that’s who. She’s got her sights on our son, and before we know it, she’s going to be giving him blow jobs on the back of the bus and forcing him to watch porn with her. This is our BABY, Carter!”

“I'm a quirky, intelligent, dark haired chick!   Me, me, me, pick me!   And who the hell keeps whining and ruining my perfect moment?   I will cut a bitch.”

“You know what happens when you assume things?”I left out a sigh. “You make an ass out of you and me.”…“No, you just make an ass out of you. Me, I would never be this assy”

“Just giving Jenny a last minute pep talk before the race," Drew informs him."There's no need for that, Claire is going to kick everyone's ass." Carter says.Drew laughs and shakes his head. "Oh that's hilarious, limp dick! I know for a fact that Jenny will be the victor.""The Victor? Who's Victor? Is that like some vibrator champion or something? Is the race named after this Victor guy?"Claire pats my shoulder and just smiles at me. I guess she already knows about Victor. I'm always the last to know everything.”

“Are you really going back there with me?" I ask."Hell yes I am. Your wish is finally coming true. I will see your vagina. Plus, I really want to see the look on that woman's face when she gets a peek at your plethora of pubes. Your copious curls, your abundant bush, the wild mane that if it sees a spark will start a forest fire," she states."Are you finished?" I ask irritably."I think so. But give me five minutes and I might be able to get one more in.”