“I'm gonna make like a fetus and head out.”

“Because I'm pretty sure we conceived this child the night I ate that pot cookie. I'm eighty-four percent positive our child is going to be born a pot head. It's going to come out with dreadlocks and wearing a Bob Marley onesie. Its first word will probably be 'Whaaaaaazzzzzzzuuuuuup'. It's never, ever going to sleep through the night because it's always going to have the munchies.”

“Bad boys, bad boys, whatcha gonna do, watcha gonna do when they cut your wiener,” Gavin sang as he pointed his gun at random objects.“Wow, cops have gotten pretty hardcore lately” Carter muttered.”

“You know what happens when you assume things?”I left out a sigh. “You make an ass out of you and me.”…“No, you just make an ass out of you. Me, I would never be this assy”

“Aaarrggg, ahoy me matey, thars a great grand vagina over yonder." Penises talk like pirates when I'm drunk.”

“Just giving Jenny a last minute pep talk before the race," Drew informs him."There's no need for that, Claire is going to kick everyone's ass." Carter says.Drew laughs and shakes his head. "Oh that's hilarious, limp dick! I know for a fact that Jenny will be the victor.""The Victor? Who's Victor? Is that like some vibrator champion or something? Is the race named after this Victor guy?"Claire pats my shoulder and just smiles at me. I guess she already knows about Victor. I'm always the last to know everything.”

“If I keep sampling the goods like this my ass is going to grow another cheek to make room for all the fat.”