“It was all fun and games until someone else's dick was in your girlfriend's TMJ mouth”

“Your tits are like Bounty. The quicker dick picker upper.”

“Yes, and in just a few minutes, a dIck will be able to find your vagina without needing night vision goggles and a weed whacker.”

“All the baby books written by women who had the most perfect birth experience in the world said you should talk to your child in the womb. That was about the only piece of advice I took from those things. Every day I told him if he ruined my vagina I would video tape his birth and show all his future girlfriends what happened to your who-ha when you had sex, ensuring that he will never, ever get laid.”

“I thought I was having a heart attack. I couldn't breathe. I didn't know much, but I did know the rules about owning a dick. Rule number one: It should never bleed. Rule number two: There was no rule number two. IT SHOULD NEVER BLEED.”

“I had been out of the game for too long. I couldn’t even get drunk and flirt anymore. I could however, get drunk and look like a stroke victim.”

“Oh my God, I sent a picture of my boobs to Jim," I moaned as a fresh wave of nausea rolled through me."You also threw up in the emergency room parking lot, called Drew and told him you were the Donkey Punch Dick Queen and filled out a Last Will and Testament on a Burger King napkin and then asked the drive-thru worker to notarize it.”