“No one likes an ugly crier. It's uncomfortable for all parties involved.”

“Mortification, party of one, your table is now ready.”

“He's been hung up on a one-night-stand he had five years ago with a girl that smelled like Cocoa Puffs.”

“If I keep sampling the goods like this my ass is going to grow another cheek to make room for all the fat.”

“Wow, she doesn't have any bones. Like, at all. Where the f*ck are her bones? Am I still drunk? Did I sleep with a blow-up doll? Again? I pealed my eyes open one at a time so the rays of sun shining in the room wouldn't make me go blind. Once my eyes adjusted to the light, I looked down and groaned. Nope, not drunk, just hugging a pillow.”

“I had the phone in my hand all set to dial when Drew had finally decided to tell me that he pooped in the litter box a few times to see what it was like.”

“He picks up one of the tests and pretends like he's Harry Potter, aiming the test at random objects around the small bathroom yelling, "I curse you with my magic wand, punk toilet paper!”