“Oh shit, the jig is up! HIDE THE COOKIES!”

“It’s mind-blowing and delicious and betterthan finding a pot of gold, a unicorn, and a leprechaun who shits diamonds atthe end of a rainbow.”

“Why the fuck didn't anyone tell me that four-year-olds get woodys? I am not equipped to deal with this shit, Liz.”

“Oh Sweet Jesus. Sweet mother fucking fuckery of fucks.”

“Oh my God, I sent a picture of my boobs to Jim," I moaned as a fresh wave of nausea rolled through me."You also threw up in the emergency room parking lot, called Drew and told him you were the Donkey Punch Dick Queen and filled out a Last Will and Testament on a Burger King napkin and then asked the drive-thru worker to notarize it.”

“Because I'm pretty sure we conceived this child the night I ate that pot cookie. I'm eighty-four percent positive our child is going to be born a pot head. It's going to come out with dreadlocks and wearing a Bob Marley onesie. Its first word will probably be 'Whaaaaaazzzzzzzuuuuuup'. It's never, ever going to sleep through the night because it's always going to have the munchies.”

“I was going to have to tell people I got fired from selling dildos. I can't even sell fake cocks to a room full or horny women. How do you come back from that shit?”