“She’s calling our house. What ten-year-old girl needs to call a boy’s house? A slutty ten-year-old girl, that’s who. She’s got her sights on our son, and before we know it, she’s going to be giving him blow jobs on the back of the bus and forcing him to watch porn with her. This is our BABY, Carter!”

“It’s totally fine,” I explained to Liz as she paced back and forth behind the couch. “She’s totally housebroken. She’ll go to the door and spit on it when she needs to go out.”

“Just giving Jenny a last minute pep talk before the race," Drew informs him."There's no need for that, Claire is going to kick everyone's ass." Carter says.Drew laughs and shakes his head. "Oh that's hilarious, limp dick! I know for a fact that Jenny will be the victor.""The Victor? Who's Victor? Is that like some vibrator champion or something? Is the race named after this Victor guy?"Claire pats my shoulder and just smiles at me. I guess she already knows about Victor. I'm always the last to know everything.”

“Claire was going to hate me. Our son was sucked into the pits of hell while I was watching General Hospital. God damn you Brenda and Sonny for making me lose focus.”

“Trojan, Durex, Lifestyles, Trojan Magnum (oh yeah, my three foot cock definitely needed those), Contempo, Vivid and Rough Rider. Seriously? There was a condom brand called Rough Rider? Why not just go with Fuck Her Hard and be done with it? I stood in the "Family Planning" aisle of the grocery store, trying to decide which condom brand was more effective. Family Planning…give me a break. How many people came to this aisle because they were planning a family? They came to this aisle to AVOID planning a family. --Carter”

“Seriously? There was a condom brand called Rough Rider? Why not just go with F**k Her Hard and be done with it?”

“He's been hung up on a one-night-stand he had five years ago with a girl that smelled like Cocoa Puffs.”