“Germs contagious, Contagious alert! But Edwart and Purell are stronger than dirt!”

The Harvard Lampoon

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“Germs contagious, contagious alert!But Edwart and Purell are stronger than dirt!”


“They all got really quiet and started to lick their lips, closing in on Lucy. I started to lick my lips, too, because it's one of those subconcious, contagious things like sneezing, but then I stopped because it just isn't worth it if you forgot to bring ChapStick.”


“After dinner, Edwart took me upstairs to see his room. At the top of the stairs was a giant wooden cross."Ironic, huh?" Edwart said."Why?" I asked with trepidation, imagining that, at any second, Edwart would turn into dust, which I would then sweep up and disperse over my furniture so he would always be with me."Because we're Jewish, of course--nonpracticing.”


“Nice piano," I said. "Do you play?" "oh no, but Edwart does!" Eva Mullen said."A little," Edwart said sheepishly."Go ahead, play!" Eva said. She picked up the triangle that was lying on the piano and handed it to Edwart. He started banging on it. It sounded like construction work very early in the morning. "Whoops. I messed up. Let me start over," he said.He started banging again."Wait. Uh. I haven't practiced in a while. Let me start over."Edwart continued to bang the triangle. Eva closed her eyes and raised her arms, swaying rhythmically to Edwart's music. Edwart held the triangle up high, in what appeared to be a grand finish, but then he brought it down hard, hitting the top of the piano. He continued to bang the piano, putting the entire force of his slim body into each smash. The piano shook. The room vibrated. When he finished I subtly removed my hands from my ears. "I wrote that for you," Edwart murmured, drawing me close. "It's called Belle's Lullaby.”


“I noticed there was garlic above the doorframe. Edwart held a stake in one hand and a 'Team Jacob' shirt in the other.”


“Then, suddenly, I remembered the accident, and Edwart's snow-proof body, and his eyes that changed from I-don't-remember to green, and I knew.”